Boundaries: Tips that Helped me Save my Mental Health

In 2020, when the entire world seemed upside down, I had my work cut out for me. I found myself with a new job and all the challenges that come with transitioning from full-time housewife and parent back to working parent and spouse. I was juggling not one but two moves with six people, and a host of other issues that were wrought with heartache and struggle. One hot summer day, I was driving and just became so absolutely overwhelmed with sadness that I began to sob. I couldn’t care for one more person or one more problem and I had my first stress-induced panic attack. I was far away from home, my family, and not in a good area. I realized that my physical safety required my mental well-being.

I’m dedicated to my health; mind, body, and soul.  Panic attacks are a body’s cry for help. I knew that my problem was being overwhelmed, so I reached out to a therapist (who doubles as my sister).We spoke at length about boundaries. 

As a person who always says, “Yes!” or “How can we make this work?,” I desperately needed to retrain my brain to pause and think before committing to anything. She offered me a wealth of good information. I also studied this topic in depth, both in the Bible and in the world at large, to try and find wisdom and guidelines to help my enthusiastic little self pump the breaks and manage my full plate. While I’ll always struggle with over-enthusiasm, I am trying to be aware of my weakness and do better.

Below you’ll find the most useful tips that I came across:

1. Pause. The best thing I can do when I am about to say yes is to pause. A simple, “Let me check my planner and get back to you,” holds immense power in creating a thoughtful decision and therefore a safe boundary.
2. The truth is that you can’t unsee things. I am incredibly visual. I have vivid dreams in full color and absolutely CANNOT UNSEE THINGS. I took stock of the things I was looking at. I’m passionate about issues in the Middle East and refugee-related charities are very close to my heart. However, in following current events and my beloved organizations, I would often see statistics or images of children in turmoil and I would carry that heaviness throughout my day. It wouldn’t have been a big deal if my new job didn’t have me in VERY rough neighborhoods where I would see some of the same issues in my own state, a short drive from my home. I had to evaluate how much hardship I could absorb, whether online or in real life. Setting a boundary that included cutting out as many negative visuals as possible helped me feel safe.
3. Practice your “No.” I am so bad at saying no. When the movie “Yes Day” came out, one of my kids literally said, “It would be easy to have a ‘yes day’ with Mom because she says yes all the time.” I don’t think I’m alone. We may struggle to say no because of guilt, enthusiasm, or a fear of not being enough, but the truth is, practice makes perfect. Say no to something every day, until you’re good at it.
4. Whatever it takes to reduce your superfluous commitments to people, start today. Boundaries with people are the hardest. I love people. I am always excited about getting to know new people and I always want to be available for my tribe. However, if people dominate my schedule and thoughts, I leave no margin for God. I’ve allowed relationships to be my idol. Setting boundaries around the amount of time I spend on social media–which is an investment in the lives of others–has helped me set boundaries with people. Sanctioning one day a week for worship has helped me set even more. I’ve set aside “do not disturb” hours on my phone so that I don’t get messages when I need to be focused on my God, my family, and myself. I don’t think there is a perfect formula to this. Just know that if you feel that you are failing in relationship boundaries, you can absolutely pause, evaluate and take measures to repair your margins.
5. You have every right to create safe boundaries in your life so that you can live a life filled with joy. My life requires me to stay sharp, both physically and intellectually. I cannot afford to have my body so stressed that I am having panic attacks. I’m pretty sure your life needs you to be mentally healthy as well. It took me 31 years to realize that I am actually important enough to say no and to practice boundaries in order that I might stay strong for the life I was given.

I hope these tips help you on your quest to fill your life with joy. Boundaries are challenging to create and maintain, but they are incredibly important for our well-being and truly worth the effort. Jesus went away; He went into the desert, out in the boat, up into the hills, and He only chose twelve people to focus his training into. If God as man created boundaries and gave himself space, then surely we should, too!