I Sat with my Feelings

Here are my takeaways:

I’m not the brightest crayon in the box, particularly when it comes to emotional intelligence. As summer came to an end I began waking up feeling sad and exhausted. “I don’t like to feel sad,” I told myself. “So just stop it!” But my body and my spirit wouldn’t listen to my mind. I realized, “Maybe I need to let this “feeling sad” thing happen. I’ve spent 32 years avoiding sadness, maybe just this once I should let my body have its moment.”

I know how stupid this sounds. Trust me. I’d never in a million years recommend to my friends, family, or children that they avoid the feelings they don’t like. Logically, I know that we must allow God to heal us; we must face the darkness and overcome it with light. 

But when it came time to actually allow my heart to hurt–eh, I’m just not into it!!!

However, hiding from those emotions was wearing me out. I’ve never felt so exhausted while not pregnant, so I hatched a plan. After so many years of running from my own sad feelings, I knew that I’d have to trick myself into it (I also know how crazy this sounds…bear with me). 

I bought a stack of magazines. A new candle. A friend had gifted me new pajamas and some pampering items. I made a sad playlist. I planned the date and time.

When it arrived, I turned on the music and took a hot bath. Then I donned the jammies and relaxed a bit with the pampering goods. I sat in bed with my stack of magazines and read a soothing article about walking to clear your mind. When I was ready, I greeted my feelings like a person. “Hi, I’m Angel. I’m not good at this. But I need to get to know you, so tell me about yourself.”

All these issues greeted me: my sadness about COVID and its multi-layer destruction. My heartbreak over my family and friend’s lost jobs, lost lifestyles, lost loved ones, and lost relationships. My own losses reared their ugly head: Our “perfect” financial plan after we had to unexpectedly move the year before was disrupted, causing a chain reaction of challenges that no one should have to endure. My oldest son outgrew me, his childhood giving way to the tween and teen years, and his chubby baby cheeks became a distant memory. My husband and I faced the marriage struggles of working together, homeschooling, and being together way more than two independent people prefer.

The list went on and on, and I sat with my grief. 

I took breaks and looked at my magazines when there were moments that I needed to give extra space and time to. I sat with those pesky feelings of mine for two days. When all the feelings were felt, I had a good solid grasp on what was just a feeling and what went deeper, what needed actual healing work. 

That was my greatest takeaway: there are some things that just need to be felt and then they dissipate. If only I’d let myself understand that years ago, I might not have gotten to such an exhausted, weepy, depleted place. The items that revealed themselves as needing time, healing work, and prayer were very different. They weren’t one-time events, but ongoing problems or pains that truly have to be resolved. 

The process of sitting with my feelings had to be a big event for me because (I am now learning) I am completely inept when it comes to allowing myself space to process negative emotions. So I penciled a date each month to sit with the dang things. It’s on my calendar. I plan to make a habit out of this ritual, jammies, candle, awkward greeting and all. Hopefully you’re not like me. Hopefully, you have a good grasp on your emotional responses and don’t avoid your pain and the sadness that we all must experience. But just in case you’ve been avoiding your own darkness and trying to cover it with the fluff of life, work/tasks, emotional eating, drinking, prescription meds, or a million other things that we humans choose to avoid pain, I encourage you to sit with your feelings! 

Take a chance and see how it goes. It might not be as bad as you think.

“Dear friend, I pray that you may enjoy good health and that all may go well with you, even as your soul is getting along well.” 3 John 1:2