Angel

12 Lessons from 12 Years of Parenthood

My oldest son celebrated his 12th birthday last year. In reflecting on the wonders of parenting for a dozen years, I thought I’d share 12 lessons I’ve learned along the way.

No one knows what they’re doing when they become a parent. If they say they do, they are lying. It’s the greatest and most terrifying gift in the world to be handed this perfect little human. Admitting early on that I had no clue what I was doing helped me stay open-minded to trying new things as a parent. Each of my sons need different things and being willing to humbly admit my lack of knowledge allows me the flexibility to meet those needs.
Parenting humans requires a commitment to meeting the needs of others above meeting my own. This seems elementary, but when you have to practice it over and over through sleepless nights, sharing your body and everything you own, and sacrificing your own free time and desires to be present and engaged in their world, you learn true selflessness.
“No Pain, No Gain” has never been more true than when applied to parenting. Parenting hurts. Having your heart walk around outside of your body is brutal. As a parent, you have to resolve your own challenges quickly because if you have deep-seated self-esteem issues, unhealed trauma, or foolish priorities, those things are going to make you feel like you’re in a constant vacuum of pain and suffering. My kids have been bullied, bullied others, made poor decisions, said a thousand mean things to me, embarrassed me, had other kids crush their hearts, had adults crush their hearts, and the list goes on. Learning that all of my kids become more compassionate and thoughtful through the painful lessons has been one of life’s toughest challenges for me. My job as a parent includes leaning hard into Jesus through the gut-wrenching moments.
There will never be enough of me to go around. As a parent, I desperately want to be available to my kids and for them to know that I am here for them. But adult life is full of moments in which my own parents aren’t able to help me. I’m an adult! I have to do this life thing my own way. I’ve learned that there will never be enough of me to go around, but that’s okay. My sons need to be able to take care of themselves; I just have to do the hard work and teach them how.
Parenting is the toughest job on the planet if you want to do it well. I’m going to be honest with you: there is only hard work in the parenting world. There are NO easy days. Every day presents new and differing hardships for the devoted mother or father. I don’t want to look back and think that I left anything on the table, though. I want to look my adult sons in the eye one day and say, ‘I gave you everything you need to make it. Now, go make yourself and me proud.” I don’t expect or deserve that sentence to be uttered unless I give them my best!
Parenting is so much fun. My kids are hilarious. They come up with the most magical ideas and silly jokes. We have great fun together amidst all our hard work and life learning. I am always blessed by this lesson: you can have a great time even in the toughest moments of life if you have the right company. And God was so good to give me four awesome companions.
People are going to judge you. Let it go. I am so far from perfect, it’s laughable. I’m well aware of my own failures, particularly in my parenting. Rest assured I’m trying my hardest to raise kind, strong, wise, responsible humans. But we’re humans over here, and humans over there have been judging me from the moment I said I was pregnant at 19. It still hurts. Every time. But I get so little sleep as it is, I’m not about to let some Karen or Karl steal a minute more of my sleep with their judgy little attitudes. Let it go.
There is no end in sight. I realized this year that I still need my mom and dad. I’m 32. Obviously, they aren’t paying my bills or taking care of me in a physical manner. But their companionship is a precious gift that still anchors me in my trying adulthood. I signed up for eighteen years to life. That “to life” part is becoming more and more apparent!
God’s got my back. My oldest son was born prematurely, not breathing. I’ve had sick kids with fevers that crested 105, thought my sons were lost in crowded public spaces, cleaned throw-up nearly every day for 12 years, and not for one moment of the scariest times was God absent. I trust Him for everything. For their safety, for their protection, for their success. Giving them knowledge of Him is my number one parenting goal. Because He’ll never abandon them.
Teaching someone how to do absolutely EVERYTHING is impossible. I never want my future daughter-in-law to call me because I raised an incapable son who can’t cook, clean, take care of her or their kids, etc. I think I got that from my parents. They taught me everything that they could, but I still had a whole adult life of learning before me when I left them at 18. My sons will have a similar journey. Giving them the tools to survive–faith in God, adaptability, critical thinking, autonomy, and awareness of their strengths and gifts–is my goal. How to be perfect housekeepers may not make the list… Sorry, future daughters-in-law.
I never knew it was possible to love so selflessly. This has taught me great things about Christ’s love for me! Just as my boys have (figuratively) spit in my face, I know I fail God. My love for them is endless and His love for me is even greater.
Finally, I’ve learned that we can’t go it alone. We need God first, then the support of family, friends, teachers, coaches and the rest of our village to make it. Trying to go it alone is a dangerous and foolish decision, sure to result in burned-out, angry parents and hurting kids. It’s hard to find trustworthy and loving adults to surround my kids with; it takes me sacrificing my own comfort and pride constantly. But I know that it’s best for them to feel as loved and supported as possible because that is the single greatest indicator of success. The more love and support we have, the further we go!